So Blessed

So blessed, it has come to my attention that this time last year I was not so happy. In fact thoughts of suicide has crossed my mind. I was lost, helpless and lonely.
Parts of me can't believe it's been a year, and other parts don't even remember was like before this year.
As I was sitting at my fireplace, with a tea in hand, and puppy laying on floor beside me, I thought, I really have nothing to complain about.
Life has been so good to me. Last year, was a different story, I blamed my partying, disrespect and careless attitude for my pain and numbness I felt.
I wouldn't wish that feeling of death to anyone, but I can say it makes me happy now that someone as weak and little as me can go through something so terrible and make it through a better person. Sometimes God makes us go through the worst possible things so he can open our eyes to things in our lives that really wont get fixed otherwise.
This year I have a wonderful cozy townhouse on the beach. With hard winds whistling at the house, and rain that pounds the skylight, I am so thankful that I have a warm house of my own that isn't infested in spiders!
Thankful for Glen, a man who has been there for me as a friend, and a love and a crutch. He has taken on all my hurt and given me a fresh air, a new perspective. He has taught me to be more patient and love. Glen is absolutely amazing, I don't know what I would have done in this last year without him.
Anyone who thinks differently of him must be crazy. He's the most understanding, patient and loving person I have ever met! He listens to all my problems and understands me. I have cried on him way too many times to count and without him, I don't know if I would be as stable as I am today.
My puppy, Chloe. People say that dogs understand you, and can feel when you are upset and sad. This is true, Chloe has not only been a friend to me this whole last year, but she always snuggles with me when she feels I'm sad. She has gone over the top to provide me love before I even thought about caring to her needs.
My family, although this past year I haven't liked them at points, only because they gave me advice that I didn't like. They are one of the biggest blessings in my life. I am blessed with parents who love each other very much, with a two brothers and a sister who have also had loss, and supported me this whole year. I love my family, and I'm glad they are always there when I need them, or just need a cookie!
My few friends who have stood ground with me throughout this whole ordeal, you know who you are, well at least I hope you do. Because I love you, you all are so different, but you all have loved and held me over the last year, and I love you.
My possessions. I have nice things.
and last but not least, my 25 week old baby. Something I definitely didn't want at first, but it's going to be one of the biggest blessings that I will ever experience.
I was always taught that sex before marriage was bad, and it is.
But in this last year, I could really care less about what was wrong and right. Keeping my head above water was all I really cared about. Surviving.
I have vowed to keep pure until marriage, and that was said a few weeks after I got pregnant.
It's been 6 whole months, and I'm proud of myself. It will be quite a bit longer but it's the right thing to do, and I want to start doing the right things.
I let my past experiences define me. I let my pain be my excuse to not follow the rules.
So, this blog is in tribute to a whole year, as of October 26, 2008. I wanted to say to all who have been with me and supported me, I love you. Thank you.
I may have disappointed you, but you still loved me.

PS. My 'blessings' aren't in order..don't feel sad if you're at the bottom!

I can remember a particular time, 3 weeks after J left, I had to go finish packing up the house in Campbell River, and my brother Josh drove me there... he helped me pack even though it wasn't a great job.. and he let me cry on him.
This makes me cry because it reminds me of how awesome a family I have. I can't remember where Josh was, but J left me on Saturday night, of course I didn't find out until Sunday morning. But Josh got home from something he had been at all weekend, and when he came in the door that night, he started crying and gave me a hug.
He felt my pain, and he didn't want me to hurt. He said " I'm only crying because it hurts me to see you in pain"
The gets me every time. Wow, to have a brother who cares about you that much, is a great feeling.

Another time, a few weeks after Josh left, my mom put me to bed. When I used to live at the house, she would usually always sing me to sleep. "You Are My Sunshine", and when I came back, she would sing this to me every night, and I remember one night she sung it to me, and she cried the whole song, and I cried with her.

Another time, my mom had gone to Winnipeg, this was a week after J had left. At this point, I was a mess. I didn't feel like leaving the house, and I kept on going through emotions of hurt, anger, pain, sadness, feeling OK.. and then back.
I remember one night, I was crying really hard, and my dad came over and cried with me and held me for a long time. He told me that the this was the most pain he had ever been through because it hurt so much to see his own daughter go through something so tough. He wanted to fix it for me, but he couldn't.

The same night Josh came home. The FitzGerald's were at my house, and I was in a complete mess. My auntie Lorri cried with me, and held me. She has always been a good friend, aunt and someone I've looked up to in my life.
She's like a sister or another mom.. something along those lines.


I love my family.

I wanted to share one about my friend Erica too. Erica and Matt, they have always been there for me, although I have pushed them away it was too painful to see them..
But, about 3 weeks after J left, I went and stayed at Erica's house for a few nights, and she let me talk and talk and talk to her about every detail, she let me cry with her.
She helped me pack up my whole entire house, days after Josh left. She was about 5 months pregnant at this time, but still put me first.
They even were mad with me, and tried to contact him.. they were right there, and the best I could of asked for.

Becky, when I moved back to Courtenay was always there too, in a different way. She took my mind of my problems and made me have fun in the midst of my pain.
I love you, girlfriend!

Okay, and if I didn't list you.. many others did little things in the last year to get me through.

THANK YOU! I've made a year because of God, You, and Counseling.

xo